A case of Easy Mac, which will satisfy you way longer than one candlelit dinner.
A romantic getaway to anywhere that doesn’t require wearing pants.
A drugstore token that’s actually useful.
Roommates who don’t have loud sex.
€¦who will do your taxes for you.
For your student loans to ride away with Prince Charming on a white horse.
A romantic night by the fire with wine and HBO Go.
A date who doesn’t mind that you’re kind of addicted to checking your smartphone.
Someone to rub your shoulders while you focus exclusively on Flappy Bird.
Friends who don’t disappear as soon as they get a boyfriend or girlfriend.
Candy hearts that express sentiments you actually feel.
A cheat code that physically prevents you from looking at your ex’s Twitter even though you unfollowed them.
Someone to do your work for you so you actually have a split second to date.
A personal assistant to Tinder for you.
Getting selected for a focus group that pays you $20 for every Netflix rom-com you watch.
A magical way to not be sad over things ending with someone who you weren’t “officially” dating.
Someone who’s sexually aroused by your number of Twitter followers€¦
€¦or by how much pizza you can eat€¦
€¦or how cute you look drunk online shopping at 1 a.m€¦
€¦or by how DAMN good you are at procrastinating for the rest of eternity.
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